Kevin Reads Chick Tracts So You Don't Have To

Scouting for All

2008-11-17T11:14:00.001-08:00

I'd like to take a moment to talk about one of the links on this blog. It's called Scouting for All.

The Boy Scouts of America, as you may or may not know, is a discriminatory organization that does not allow women, atheists, or homosexuals (the Girl Scouts are not officially connected to the Boy Scouts, as far as I know.) While this is disgusting, this would be their business, if it wasn't for the fact that Boy Scouts receive a large amount of public funding (paid by our Tax Dollars) and they use government owned land, which is not allowed for religious organizations (Jesus Camp, for example, had to use a privately owned area.) In short, The Scouts are a religious organization when it's convenient (banning people they don't like) and they are a secular organization when it's convenient (using government land.) In short, I am paying for an organization that wouldn't allow me to join, even if I wanted to.

Scouting for All is a grassroots campaign that would like to change that, and I think that it should be changed to. Discrimination and hatred should never be taught to our children, but certainly not at the expense of taxpayers.

Sin City

2008-11-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

Sin City

Now presented in "Noir-o-Vision(tm)

Mr Wesley-a teller of tall tales
A Gay Pride Parade
Reverend Ray-a smooth talking man of the cloth
Zanah-a shoulder demon with a meanstreak a mile wide.
Bob- a hard-hitting seeker of dark truths (actually obscure bible verses)
God-a faceless maniac with murderous intent

What do YOU think you're DOING?

It was a dreary day in the city, just like every day. Mr. Wesley was a walker on mean streaks, and he has a message to say.

HOMOSEXUALITY IS AN ABOMINATION! SEE LEV 20:13

I was bewildered by these words. I knew that Leviticus condemned homosexuality, but I also knew that condemned alot of other ridiculous things. In fact, I had already written about most of it before. (I don't feel like writing it again, if you want to see some of the fun things in Leviticus, please take a look at it.)

That's a hate crime!

Then Mr Wesley claimed that he was hit in the head by a cop, but I knew better. Wesley was a teller of tall tales, the kind of guy who would tell you anything if it gave him a chance to justify his narrow views.

Kill that footage you fool!

The newsreporter switched back to the parade, it was such a strange spectacle, it could have come from the mind of a prejudicial cartoonist. They took Mr. Wesley and charged him with a hate crime. However, they offered to drop charges if he would listen to the words of their special guest.

Enter Reverend Ray!

He was a short, portly man. A smooth talker (picture him talking in a stereotypical voice, it makes the cartoon sillier and more stupid.) His voice was as smooth as a baby's bottom, and he had words to say about how Jesus loves people. He looked like a catholic, one of those people that Jack Chick hates so much.

To save Mr. Wesley, they had to call in a specialist. He was a man of action. Prejudiced action. I don't know his name, but I call him Bob.

You're perverting the Word of God!

I was puzzled by this predicament. By citing obscure verses to justify his hatred of another group of people, Bob seemed to be doing exactly what he accused. He told us about Sodom, an event that happened so long ago that it is uncertain that Sodom ever existed. A story so obscured in mystery that it might not have ever happened.

"Malcolm lovingly tried to warn homosexuals of God's coming judgment!"

I was puzzled here to, since he did it by telling them that they were abominations.

Bob told Reverend Ray some hard truths, about how they live as cartoon characters in the mad mind of Jack Chick, who hates anything that he can't understand. Because it was a cartoon, Ray took it all in.

I left that hospital in disgust. Partly because of what happened, and partly because my Film-noir style narration left something to be desired.

Moral of the Story: I'm not as good as talking like hard-nosed detectives as I would like to be.

Reverend Wonderful!

2008-11-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

Reverend Wonderful

Jack Chick creates a pastiche of every kind of Christian Humanist wrapped into one package-and sends him to Hell!

Dr. Westhall-the Reverend Wonderful in question
Old Man (probably meant to be Jack Chick himself)
Big Scary God

"He's wonderful, just wonderful! (Sniff)

We begin with a scene of several people watching this sermon and talking about how great this guy is. We can tell that he's the bad guy, because he's getting lots of praise and press and we aren't.

"I was honored just to be in his presence."

Dr. Westhall is asked about the pope and this was his response. Just so you know, Jack Chick is convinced that the Catholic Church is really an ancient Babylonian religion. I'll talk more about this particular viewpoint in a later post.
Dr. Westhall also expresses his hope to bring ALL Christians into unity. Not a bad idea really. If I was a Christian I would be all for unity, especially since there really aren't that many differences between Catholic, Protestant, and Orthodox beliefs, and those beliefs are somewhat negligible.

"I am dedicated to serving mankind through the gospel."

For some reason this is emphasized. I'm not sure why this is important. They also emphasize that he has a limo picking him up for a tv interview. This is a guy who has met the pope and did the Presidential Prayer Breakfast. He is obviously well off financially, and that is UNACCEPTABLE!

"Lord, PLEASE lead me t someone who needs You tonight."

This guy is sitting alone and praying to help someone. It's my personal opinion that this is meant to be Jack Chick himself. He proceeds to drive his station wagon and park it in a random place, because Psalm 37:23 told him to. Psalm 37:23 states:

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and he delighteth in his way."

But he says nothing about Station Wagons :> All kidding aside, let's continue.

Yes, God cars about souls, but He also cares about SOCIAL JUSTICE...the poor and needy! We must UNITE to fight ignorance and bigotry.

So, apparently Dr. Westhall's crime is thinking that God believes in mercy and humanitarianism. He even makes statements about the bickerings between Protestants, Jews, and Catholics, and ushering in a great New Age (I think this is an attempt to tie this guy in with the New Age Movement, but nothing he says seems very New Ageish, it's actually pretty sensible.)

"Thank you, Father."

Says Dr. Westhall when he is congratulated by a Catholic Priest. We get a reference to Matt 23:9

And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.

Another sign of the good Doctor Westhall's iniquity, along with everyone who has a dad.
At any rate, Dr Westhall forgets his notes and has to go back to his hotel where he meets-Old Guy! Old Guy asks about his soul, which causes Dr Westhall to laugh, in a particularly goofy voice "Haw Haw Haw." He of course is indignant. Wouldn't you be indignant if some creepy old man cornered you on a dark street and started asking about your soul? I know I would. He might try to eat it. He also pushes a chick tract on this guy, and Chick has the guts to criticise this guy for self-promotion.

"Don, we should talk to the Governor about passing a law to keep people like him off the streets."

Uh...Governors don't have the authority to pass laws banning religious practices. You fail at political science.

So, he takes a plane, and the plane collides with another plane and everyone dies. We get a funeral scene were Dr Westhall is proclaimed to be a great man. Then we move on the the DAY OF JUDGMENT!

Just to get how much Jack Chick hates people like Dr. Westhall, who dare to say that various religions have equal validity, he has the person in front of Westhall be a prostitute, and we watch as she is saved and he is, of course, not. Btw, check out the beard that Big Scary God is sporting.

His specific reason that he is sent to Hell, because he performed good works. The bible says that through faith you are saved, but he doesn't say that you can't do good works. He also has god drop a reference to Creepy Old Man (probably Jack himself). And of course Dr Westhall is sent into the Fiery Pits forever and ever.

The best part, however, is on the next to last page. there Jack says "Dear Reader: please don't let hypocrites cause you to go to hell, We will all stand before God someday and give an account of our own life. You will answer for your life, and they will answer for their life."

Jack Chick, with his rabid paranoia and hatred for any group that doesn't fit into his narrow-minded brand of Christianity, has no room to talk about hypocritical.

Moral of the Story: God hates nice people.

Hi

2008-11-08T15:03:00.000-08:00

So apparently the links are changed in order to keep people like me from linking directly to them. I'll work around it, bear with us please.

No Fear?

2008-11-07T22:32:00.001-08:00

Author's Note:
This particular tract deals with suicide. While I am making fun of the tract itself, the issue which has brought it about is tragically serious. As both a lifelong depression sufferer and as someone who has lost family members to suicide, I can't emphasize enough how important life is, and how truly tragic suicide can be. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Okay, on with the show.

No Fear?

Teen drama, angst, and Action Preacher Man!
Cast of Characters
Lance
Dolly
Dolly's Sister
Action Preacher Man
Demons 1 and 2
Scary Faceless God

I'm gonna DO IT Friday night!
We begin this delightful tale of woe with a guy calling his girlfriend to tell her that he's going to kill himself and she will kill herself in a suicide pact. We also, in an apparent attempt to be relevant, get a random reference to gen-x pop culture. Whee.

Dolly, suicide's the ONLY answer.
We as yet don't know the problem. I can't help but be amusing by the Greek Chorus of Devils. The idea of a devil saying Amen is funny for some reason.

More Exposition
I don't know about you, but if someone I knew was planning on killing themselves, I would keep them on the phone and call an ambulance with my cell to make sure that they stayed alive, even at the expense of them hating me for keeping suicide from happening. I certainly wouldn't be all happy about it.

Hooray...You did it!
While his death is tragic, I can't help but think that his look of intense constipation is golden! Of course he goes to Hell, and we can clearly see that instead of being sympathetic, Jack Chick takes great delight in drawing this young man in torment. Can you say Schadenfreude? Good.

We also get another No Fear reference. He didn't bother to research nineties pop culture, but he knew about the NO FEAR shirts and damnit, he is going to milk it for all it's worth. I wonder how much, if anything, he paid to use their logo?

"Am I in Hell Because I committed suicide?"...No! You're here because you REJECTED Jesus Christ!

This is the part where Jack really pisses me off. This is an attempt to pass blame from his God (which forbids suicide) to the victim. He didn't go to Hell because he committed suicde, he went to Hell because he rejected Jesus T Christ. How did he do that? By committing suicide. This is similar to someone punching you in the face for wearing a green shirt and then blaming you for wearing the green shirt.

YAAAAAHH
Bog help me I love Jack's use of otomatopoeia (which I mispelled the first two times I wrote it down-why doesn't it sound like it's written?). Incidentally, how can somebody fear pain if they no longer have nerve endings? Aside from that, it's just another example as to how Jack Chick get's off by drawing people suffering.

Now we go to the funeral and more plot exposition. We first meet Action Preacher Man, who finds out that Dolly is going to commit suicide too. Why do I call him thus? Because when he can't find a key to the door he kicks the friggin' thing down! In short, he rescues her from committing suicide, and tells her that her boyfriend is in Hell. Apparently, this is how he thinks you should comfort someone who is about to take her own life.

"THEN I'VE BEEN LIED TO!"

"We were told that Hell was one big party..and that all our friends would be there."

What. The. Hell?
Who in the Hell is supposed to be saying this? Rockstars? Evil Satanists? The POPE!? (this is Jack Chick we are talking about here. There are way too many real reasons that a teen might commit suicide to justify an asspull like that.)

More Gold

So...we all deserve to go to Hell because we have sinned (went against God's will.) and God will not let anyone in heaven who has sin (i.e. everyone.) but God wants us to go to heaven so he gave us Jesus T Christ? How many loops did we go through just now? God had to send himself to die for our sakes just in order to let him change his own mind. This is a being who is supposed to be omnipotent and omnipresent! If he wanted us in heaven so badly couldn't he have just let us come in anyway? That way nobody would have had to be nailed (unless they wanted to be, heh heh).

The rest of this is the standard spiel, how to be a Christian et cetera.

Moral of the Story: Jack Chick has no clue how teen-agers think.

Fairy Tales

2008-11-07T12:40:00.000-08:00

Fairy Tales?

A fun little tract about childhood innocence-and MURDER!!!
Cast of Characters
Harry "The Monster" Garner
News Reporter
Mr. and Mrs. Garner
Tooth Fairy
Santa
The Easter Bunny (who may or may not be Jesus)
A Chaplain Strawman and a Black Prisoner Strawman
Loads and Loads of Ethnic and Ideological Stereotypes.
The Question-I mean God

It starts with a bunch of protesters outside of a prison, either demanding the death of Harry "The Monster" Garner or demanding that his life be spared. A news reporter shows up.

“We'll now speak with Harry's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Garner. Tonight their son will be executed."

This is what is known as plot exposition. Mr and Mrs Garner insist that their son was such a sweet little boy, while the reporter once again drops the name "The Monster!"

“Let's go back in time and watch Harry's childhood:”

Does it look familiar? That's because it's just about every friggin' childhood ever. The Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny. Harry "not-yet-the-Monster!" Garner is pretty much just like any other kid.

"The Day that changed Harry-forever"

Then eight year old Harry "almost-the-Monster!" Garner finds out the truth-that Santa is not real (sorry kids). His response: "YAAAAHHHH! I'll Kill YOU BOTH!" And he does. No kidding.

He gets strapped down to a bed while his parents explain that Easter Bunnies, Santa, and Tooth Fairies are imaginary. His response "So God and Jesus are fairy tales, too?" is surprisingly reasonable (you know, murderous rages aside.) He then throws a tantrum about how he will never listen to them again.

"You little monster!"

Here is where it just gets wacky. Harry "Giving Alex DeLarge a run for his money" Garner, strangles his cellmate and gets put into jail until he is eighteen and vows to kill the judge too.
Fast-forward a few years and we find a Chaplain who has snuck into prison because the warden hates his guts (apparently prison wardens hate Christians. Who knew?) We also meet a black prisoner with the stereotypical name "Jamal" because he's black. The Chaplain and the Prisoner have a very contrived conversation about Jesus and how Jesus died for your sins, et cetera. This conversation is interrupted for a moment to bring you:

ETHNIC STEREOTYPES!!
We get six caricatures of God's enemies: An Arab, a Satanist, a Chinese Man, a little girl in a Witch Costume, an Atheist (because we don't look different he had to give us a sign saying "No Prayer in Schools"), and an Archaeologist pointing at what appears to be a dog bone. The drawings of the Chinese Man and the Arab are outright racist, but I'd like to point out that even the ones that aren't outright racist still bear a strong resemblence to caricatures in Antisemitic Propaganda.
From this Tract.
A cartoon from the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, an antisemitic pamphlet.

Going back to the tract, the Chaplain Strawman finishes his talk about Jesus T Christ. Of course, Jamal the Prisoner Strawman accepts the gospel, while Harry "So Friggin' Evil it Hurts!" Garner doesn't. Eight years later he is put on the FBI's ten most wanted list (next to Bin Laden) and is captured and executed, with one last appearance by Prisoner Strawman, who is now a Chaplain Strawman himself. He attempts to win over Harry, and of course Harry "Hellspawn of Satan's Third Nipple" Garner turns him down. And dies. We get a guest appearance by the Question (I mean God) who tells him that he is to go to Hell! The End.

Moral of the Story: Don't make up fairytales to tell your children. Use our fairytales instead!

This Was Your Life

2008-11-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

This Was Your Life

This is probably the most well-known one, as such it's the best place to start.
Cast of Characters
Captain Smarmy
The Grim Reaper
Well Drawn Angel
The Question-I mean God

The first panel has this really smug looking guy with a pipe and a glass of something (we are to understand that it's booze.) There is a sports car and a nice house. We will call him Captain Smarmy. He is a bad person, because he has all kinds of nice things that we don't have.

“WHAAA?”

The Grim Reaper comes out of nowhere and kills him. There is no reason he actually died, he just did. You got to love the way his pipe floats in the air and continues to smoke itself after he dies.
(I'd like to note at this point that the image of Death as a Skeleton with a scythe is not a particularly Christian one.)

“HE WAS A GOOD MAN!”

Cue the funeral scene. They say this at all funerals. However, we have yet to actually see any evidence that he was a bad man, although that is what we are meant to believe. Bear with me here.

“ARISE!”

Nobody in this comic has an indoor voice. Captain Smarmy jerks his head up and becomes a...kind of a floating naked eunuch. Enter the Well Drawn Angel (noticeably better drawn than the other characters.

“JUDGMENT? But you don't understand, Heaven and Hell are here on Earth! I've always said that!”

This is your cue that this guy is a straw man, and his only purpose is to say things and get them shot down. Think of it as arguing with yourself, using sock puppets. It's the illusion of an argument without an actual argument.
(Curious thing. I have always written Judgment as Judgement. I was going to correct the spelling, but apparently it's the American spelling and mine is the British. I must have had an English teacher who was a closet Anglophile-I've also always used the Oxford Comma before knowing what it was.)

“I SIMPLY REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!”

Here is a part of the Atheist mindset that many religious people fail to understand. They don't believe in anything. Saying that Atheism is a religion is like saying that bald is a hair color. If an Atheist found himself being carried away by a creepy looking angel, he would probably believe it, because he would take it on face value (although if I ever experienced this, I would probably assume that I was dreaming.)

“I was no different than anyone else!”

At the bottom of this panel we see a reference to a bible verse. It is Romans 3:10 and it goes “As it is written, there is none righteous, No not one.” In other words, humans are inherently evil. This is possibly the cornerstone of Jack Chick's world view. What a happy sentiment.

“MOVIE TIME!”

And now The Question (I mean God) shows a film to everyone in Heaven detailing Captain Smarmy's life. Yes, if you are a good and faithful servant, you too can have your mistakes shown on a mile-high screen for the sake of schadenfreude.
The movie consists of:
Captain Smarmy the grumpy baby.
Captain Smarmy the teenager telling dirty jokes (Teenagers telling dirty jokes! The horror!)
Captain Smarmy checking out a girl! UMMM NICE!
A montage of Captain Smarmy doing various things. While it is funny that Whore monger is put on the same level as Whisperer (I don't remember any part of the Bible that said that “Whispering” was a sin) the best thing is the inclusion of Unmerciful. Can't you just feel the irony? Can't you?
We move on to a scene where he is at Church, doing what most people do at Church, wish they weren't in church. Then he says, “BUNK-I don't need Christ! There's nothing wrong with me! I'll make it MY WAY!!” (cue Frank Sinatra). This is another little way to let you know that he's a Strawman.

OPEN THE BOOK OF LIFE!

The Question, I mean God, has the book of life opened and, to the surprise of nobody, Captain Smarmy isn't in the list! So we show Captain Smarmy being led into Hell and thrown into the lake of Fire.
Do you ever notice how enthusiastically Jack Chick draws Hell? I think he truly enjoys drawing sinners being tossed into eternal torment (I should note that by “Sinner” I mean “anyone who disagrees with Jack Chick.”)

This ends with the standard scenario of how to convert and be a Christian. I'm sure everyone who is reading this knows about this already.

Moral of the Story: Love God with all your heart or he will torture you forever and ever!

How it works

2008-11-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

The purpose of this blog should be obvious at a glance, but if it's not here is how it works. I write reviews of chick tracts (those disturbing little cartoons that Christians give you in an attempt to convert you.) I read the tracts (so you don't have to) then I proceed to make fun of them. I review them for literary content, mock and question the general messages behind them, and point out any and all unfortunate implications that they have. And you get to share a laugh about it.

My original plan was to draw anti-tracts, but the fact is that Jack T. Chick is notorious for attempting to sue and/or force google to drop blog entries that use his copywrited work. Even though parody qualifies as fair use, I think the message (that Jack Chick is nuts and so are his cartoons) is far too important to waste time bickering over legal issues.

So, I'll post the first review shortly. Have fun